my sunday

it's sunday. perhaps a day which i dread. pretty much till now. 

but still, i had a pretty good one. slept till noon and woke up to have my lunch. then, upon seeing mama sleeping on my bed, i rushed to sleep beside her. haha. was disturbing her all the way and she had no choice but to shut me up.

woke up and had the sudden craving for subway. pestered mama to go eat subway with me. it was subway melt today. mama loves it. she thinks that is better than chicken breast. then, i had decided to go for hair treatment.

i remembered the last time i had anything done to my hair was back in Nov 08. i did rebonding. i still remembered vividly that straight after that i went to meet him at jurong point to accompany him to study. haha. ya ya meishan. that was an excuse right. u just wanna see him right back then? i still remembered him saying that my hair was nicer after the rebonding. well, back to memories huh?

actually, one of the darkest secret is that, i hate going to west coast plaza now. every step i take is like a stab into my heart. very deep in. every place, every location, everytime, i see us. i see memories. i felt the pain. what happened along the way? those promises. those beliefs. those rational thoughts we all had? 

perhaps u are so busy that you don't even have the time to rest, let alone to think of meaningless things like what i am thinking. what about me? i am trying very hard to keep myself busy. to entertain people around me. to make people around smile. to pretend that i am okay. to act strong. and then, when i enter my room and put my bag onto the floor, it is it. it hits. 

yup, asking me to move on is what u said. i promised you that i will do that too. and guess what i am doing? even the hottest guys walk pass, i don't even bother to look. no replies to msn or msg to random guys. not opening my heart anymore. feeling hurt and vulnerable, i am back to the old cave, back into the blackhole where i originally came from. and i swear this time i am going in deeper, in hope of no one finding me. perhaps in my own world, i can handle my emotions better. i can protect myself. 

but, i am never blaming you. never once. because i believed in what you told me. everyone started a relationship not with the intention of hurting. everyone started a relationship with a new heart. i believe you. you you you!!!!!!! everything i think, i believe, i feel is you. meishan, enough????????? u got to stop it.

okay, back to my sunday. after the hair treatment i went to buy a book to read. i am just so in love with books recently. at least it keeps my day occupied. at least i know i have something to do.

back to home to do some room cleaning. flipped through some stuffs that he made for me. flipped through the msg inbox of the phone that i used in USA. memories again. sweet ones this time. i smiled.  :)

dinner time and then i read the new book that i bought for hours. and then, i watched tv. it was SHE on channel u. and they sang one of my fav song. u shld know what it is. 

watched this very nice show on Channel 5 at 10pm- Unexpected access. super nice. today's topic was on plastic surgery. i was happily eating my papaya until i saw this boy, ivan who had a 90 per cent fire burnt. he was only 4 years old. but he was very strong. although he teared during when the nurses removed his bandages, he was still very strong. he even instructed the nurse where to start removing his bandages first. he has to visit the hospital 3 times a week. pls get well soon ivan, u are a strong boy. i admire you :) can u teach jie jie here how to be strong? 

i actually teared again. because i feel so ashamed of myself. these kids are so brave despite having so many flaws in their life. but they never give up. they even smiled upon seeing their favourite toys. 

how about me? what can make me smile again?